東基見習營心得

(2011/8/21)

東基見習營心得

陳永信　醫學一

　　基督徒醫生的榜樣一直是我所嚮往的。視病如己，以基督毫無保留的愛去愛每個病人。在工作崗位上充分運用神所賜的知識、技能與智慧，每時每刻也不親近主。他將神的道行在生命中，在人身體軟弱時亦關心到其內在的匱乏，並將生命永久的盼望帶給更多人。

　　然而，成為一位具基督形象的醫生誠不是一件簡單的事。在這條道路上多的是同儕的壓力、內心的私慾和世俗的誘惑，一不小心就會偏離上帝希望我們走的方向。這也難怪我會聽到有人說當醫生要進天國很困難。

　　我這次來到東基便是懷著這樣戰戰兢兢的心情來的。老實說，我深怕自己走了大部分的人走的路，到了最後一口氣的時候才想到上帝的呼召。藉由短短的見習，除了讓我對未來的日子有所窺探，更希望能與主親近。

　　在這七天中，山巡最令我印象深刻。我們駛者廂型車，載著一大台裝藥用的手推車前進到山中的村落。沿途經過池上、富里等地，滿谷的稻田在炙熱的陽光下閃著波光。轉入樹林後，陽光篩過樹葉撒在蜿蜒穿梭的山路上。少經山路的我，不就便感到稍微頭暈，直到遠方樹林間出現小教堂上豎立著的十字架，我才知道目的地到了。

　　村子裡的衛生所小小一間，四周攀附著猙獰的壁癌，顯得有些老舊。拉開鐵捲門，一面牆上貼滿著大人小孩咧開嘴笑開懷的活動照片，頓時讓狹小簡陋的空間散發出溫馨的氣息。衛生所裡放著一台手動的血壓計和一台電腦，再擺上醫師專用的老舊筆電和一台印表機，我們便開始今早的門診了。

　　在輔助器材的限制下，醫生能夠做的檢查其實不多，但每週一次的問診對村裡許多不便行動的老人小孩已是唯一的希望了。迥異於都市裡的門診，這裡的氣氛顯得活潑許多。醫生一邊忙著勸孕婦戒掉檳榔，一隻黑色的大狗就這麼逛了進來，後頭跟著一對小姊弟。小孩的媽媽隨即打電話過來，因為家中有老者要照顧，只得電話問診。一個早上下來，門診人數不多，大約十幾人。偶而我們還偷個閒去摘衛生所門前的龍眼呢！

　　醫生告訴我由於人少，因此這一趟山巡對醫院財務而言一定虧損，然而東基卻主動發起。畢竟，對當地居民而言，在青壯年外出工作下，小孩或長輩僅為了感冒或例行的降血壓、血糖就長途跋涉往返市區是不太可能的。

　　下午，我們到了另一個村落，而鄉衛生所正好在此。設備明顯較之前充足，還有翻譯人員在場。病人一位接著一位走進診療室，最令我印象深刻的是一位老婆婆，她無奈又有些無助的眼神看著我們。醫生一看到，便問她先生怎麼沒跟來。原來她是要替罹患類風濕關節炎的老公拿藥。老太太回答說他臥病在床帶不動，小孩子也不肯騎車載他來。醫生轉頭對我說健保規定病人必須到場，用意良好，卻沒有顧慮到這裡的情況。最後醫生還是為她先生開藥，不過，門診一看完後，醫生就決定開車到老婆婆的家看看。

　　婆婆的家在山圍繞的蝴蝶谷裡。簡單的木造房屋，我們輕輕地推開矮小的側門，老公公坐在床沿，老婆婆在一旁站著。老公公的腳趾沒有一個是完好的，全部都扭曲地嚴重，腫大到連關節都不曉得在何處了，好像一隻死前掙扎的狼蜘蛛攀附在瘦削的雙腿上。我轉頭看了老婆婆的腳，大拇指竟也同樣變形扭曲，真不敢想像她為了領藥走了那麼長的山路到衛生所需要承受多大的痛苦。醫生叮囑完後便去看坐在外頭、智能有些缺損的小女兒。過了不久，我便聽到護士和醫生爭執的聲音，好像是為了開幾種藥保護女兒鼠蹊部的抓傷而各執想法。護士憤憤不平地告訴醫生只需要開一種藥，不需要再浪費額外健保資源在她們身上。我雖然聽不懂最終醫師開出的藥是什麼，但我可以明顯看出護士有些無奈的表情。

　　最後，醫師把我帶到一旁跟我說這位老太太非常辛苦，生了兩個女兒一個兒子。兒子有小兒麻痺，小女兒則有智能障礙，媳婦和大女兒更有酗酒的習慣。現在，她已經年邁了，卻除了照顧老伴外還需要撐起整個家。想到這裡，他說，真的令人感到傷心。

　　我想，任何人當下看到這似乎集合了所有的不幸的家庭，都會為這個家感到難過。不過，長期看著這家的護士似乎也是站在正義的一方，怕醫療資源過度浪費而無法用在真正需要的人身上。身為決策者的醫生，如何在此做抉擇，考驗的正是從天而來的智慧和神所給予的慈心。願主使我們常懷憐憫的心，知道真正需要的人，也能伸出雙手牽住這人的心。

The Florist

(2011/3/28 at NTU dorm)

The Florist

As usual, I was reaching for a dictionary on my bookshelf, and there I saw a plate of withered tuberoses lying quietly in front of old and heavy books. A sweet fragrance came out from the petals. They were no longer as white as the clothes of the angels. In fact, they had been shrinking into brown and curled pieces, yet the smell never faded. The intense odor reminds me of the day I first met them.

It was an ordinary Monday. I took the MRT to the hospital at noon and walked toward the medical campus. While I was waiting for the traffic light to turn green, I noticed an old man, sitting in a wheelchair with a large basket held tightly in his thin hands. Bags of white flowers are neatly placed in the basket. ‘He must be selling those flowers,’ I thought. When I was about to take a closer look, the light turned green, and the old man with his flowers were now out of my mind. I kept my way to my destination.

The next week, I was there again, with a stack of books held in my right hand and a viola case in my left hand. It was hard for me to turn around freely in a crowd; however, out of curiosity, I still managed to turn myself toward the florist. When I turned around, my eyes met his, and he quickly turned away his head and yelled at the crowd, “Tuberoses. Fresh… Tuberoses…. Homemade Tuberoses….” I heard the hoarse sound quivering, vibrating the highly compact atmosphere. ‘The words are not spoken fluently,’ I thought, ‘Maybe he has an illness that disabled him from speaking normally.’ Again, the light turned green while I was thinking, and the crowd pushed me out of the deep meditation.

Afraid that the traffic light would ruthlessly cut off the opportunity for me to know more about the seller again, I planned to walk slower. When I reached the roadside, the light turned red, which gives me plenty of time. The florist was now with his head down, not noticing that I was approaching. “Hey. How much is a bag of flowers?” I asked shortly and nervously. “Oh, fifty dollars for each,” he rose his head and replied. “How could I preserve the flowers?” “Put them on a plate and sprinkle several drops of water only after sunset. In that way, you may preserve them for at least ten days……” Though he was poor in speaking, he still struggled to tell me all the knowledge he knew. At that moment, I completely forgot all the disabilities he had. What I saw was his strong sense of responsibility as an honest businessman.

While we were talking, the light turned green. I told him that I had to leave. “Thank you,” he replied and lowered his head again. I thought our conversation had ended. However, as I turned around, he suddenly yelled at me, “Wait a minute!” I turned back, a little shocked. “Remember do not sprinkle waters on the flowers while they are still in the plastic bag!” He continued and looked straightly in my eyes as though he was confirming whether or not I heard what he had just said.

He treated those tuberoses as if they were his children and I was the man who was going to take care of his babies. I was quite amazed at his attitude. How could a seller be better than the florist who saw his product as his own flesh?

Cleaning out the withered flowers, I left an empty plate on the bookshelf. ‘Next time when I meet the florist selling tuberoses,’ I told myself, ‘I will buy a new bag of flowers.’ I could imagine that in the near future, my room will again fill up with the sweet aroma.

The Eyes of the Ice

(2010/10/23)

The Eyes of the Ice

Last Year in National Taiwan University Hospital Bei-Hu Branch

I was a volunteer last year in Bei-Hu Branch. It was a small hospital specialized in caring for the elders. I went there to accompany with the hospital residents on Saturday morning. If the weather was warm and pleasant, the volunteers would push the wheelchairs carrying each patient out of the crowded and narrow hospital. The patients then could lie comfortably under the sun shine. There would also be dogs there cheering up and playing with elders.

The first day I was asked to be with an old paralyzed man nicknamed ‘Ice Mountain’. He seemed a little dizzy with his eyes closed most of the time. Nothing seemed to attract his attention even a naughty furry dog dancing on his thigh. Sometimes when he yawned, saliva outflew. I quickly picked up a towel and carefully covered the corner of his mouth. The moment I touched his face, he suddenly opened his eyes widely looking at me, as if they were trying to penetrate my soul. I kept wiping out the water on his cheek, and he closed his eyes again.

I told the social worker, our conductor, that I was curious about the past of the old man and hope that the next time I could bring something that can grab his attention. The leader told me that the ‘ice mountain’ had been a medical professor in ophthalmology. When being at such an honorable position, he suddenly had a stroke which caused him paralyzed till now. What surprised me was that ‘ice mountain’, though seemed to be as cold as ice to all his surroundings, when came across to something he was interested in, like a foreigner, would change his attitude largely.

The last day being a volunteer in the hospital, I particularly pay attention on ‘ice mountain’ who was resting in the corner and with his eyes closed as usual. Everyone all thought that he might have been too tired and was now sleeping, so no one stood beside him. However, when time was up and we were about to left, I hesitated, willing to capture the last sight of all the elders I have chatted with. When I turned around, there I saw ‘ice mountain’ with his eyes wide open, staring at us. He was the only patient looking at us at that moment. I wonder what he was telling through his eyes.

                                         David Chen  2011/4/25

*Afternote: many years later, our fellowship in NTU medical campus invited the ophthalmologist's son to share his testimony. He told us about how he rebelled against his father and returned to God in the end. It was that moment that I finally knew the professor's name, Dr. Ko Liang Shi.

Ready for

(2011/12/27)

Ready for

   Last Thursday, when the class was over, I quickly rushed back to the dorm, picked up my viola and rode to the MRT station. I had promised to join a quartet in the interim performance arranged by the orchestra in medical campus, and now I was going to practice the ensemble with other three partners. Time flew as I was waiting for trains in the station. Frequently darting looks at my watch, the closer I was to the medical campus, the more nervous I was. When I finally raced to the amphitheater we were to practice at, I was already late for ten minutes.

   Luckily, I wasn’t the last. Only first and second violins were on time. After we start practicing Hayden’s emperor symphony, all the anxiety left me. We began with the second movement, where notes seemed unrelated were indeed woven into a beautiful piece of music. Like a vast night sky extended over me, decorated with brilliant stars, and from time to time meteors flied across them. Following the second movement, we practiced the third movement and went back to the first movement, where lively notes were expressed through size of the sound and beat. In the end, we tried a little bit of the last movement, and it seemed that I was the least familiar to the forth movement. I had better practice more after the oncoming midterm exams.

   When the practice ended, I quickly put my viola into the case and hurried back to the dorm. The moment I left the amphitheater, second violin, the former general director of the orchestra, suddenly called on me. He asked me whether I have the willingness to be the next general director. I was quite scared at first. I had no idea how to reply, yet being the only first grader major in medicine in the orchestra, I knew some time or so I would be asked similar questions. Aware that I was afraid to give him a certain reply, he continued and guaranteed that the current director and himself would help me throughout all the affairs.

At that very moment my mind was still in a blank, without a second thought, I simply answered, “yes.” When I heard what flowed out of my mouth, I regretted. I shouldn’t have taken such a hard task too lightly. I wasn’t even prepared to become a leader of an orchestra. How could I manage to be a good director? “Choose me if you really cannot find anyone else suitable.” I quickly added. “You are the only first grader major in medicine.” He replied.

“How about I ask for some of my classmates to join now?” I asked. “You know. I couldn’t let them become the general director. They aren’t familiar with the orchestra.” He answered seriously. “OK, I know.” a little embarrassed, I quickly left the theater and hurried to the MRT station. On the way back to the dorm, I kept asking myself what happened to me to ask such a stupid question. I found out that I might have been too afraid to take up the task, which caused me to burst out funny words.

I must admit that throughout my life, I was always afraid to face challenges, especially one that was along with responsibility. I often told myself that I wasn’t ready for a new challenge; as a result, I lost lots of chances to train myself.

I know that once I made a promise, I must do anything I could to fulfill it. Therefore, I take promises seriously. However, sometimes I took them too seriously that no promises were made. If I keep such attitude toward all challenges in my life, I could predict that I will feel less and less confident in myself and in the end I will lose all the relationships with others.

I should not be always unprepared; in fact, I must start telling myself, “I am ready for the challenge.” Hope the next time when I met the second violin, I could ask him bravely, “What shall I prepare to be a good general director?”

                                           David Chen 4/17/2011

*Afternote: I was then chosen as the leader of HLCO for 1 year. I kept participating in the campus orchestra till sixth grade in medical school (-2016). After that, I joined the music group of our hospital (2018-). 

正義

正義

　　「咿呀。」隔壁廁所的門緩緩開啟。敏銳的聽覺告訴我有四隻腳一前一後走了進去。其中兩隻踏得特別紮實，每一步都鏗鏘有力、正義凜然，想必是和我一樣受過訓練的警官。另兩隻卻踩得特別輕巧，讓人幾乎忽略其存在。

　　「你確定不會有人知道我們之間的關係嗎？」清柔的男聲從隔壁傳了過來。等等，兩個男人擠在一間狹小的男廁。不會吧，這小小的警局居然還有斷袖之情！

　　「你大可放心，上面的沒一個曉得。」爽朗渾厚的嗓音在窄小的空間中迴盪。沒想到我才來上班的第一天就撞見不可告人的秘密，看來我守在這裡，等他們出來後再一舉拆穿，爾後就有封口費可拿了。

　　「可是你們分局最近又來一位菜鳥，難保他不會把我們的事傳出去。」糟了，莫非早已被發覺了吧。那位陌生男子可不是好惹的，肯定練過讀心術。

　　「怕什麼，還不都一下子就同我們一夥了。」等等，我不是才剛訂婚嗎？他們到底想對我做什麼？

　　「好吧……。」男子顯然頓了一下，紙袋摺疊的聲音隨後響起。「這是一點微薄的禮金，出門在外就請你們多多關照了。」

　　「放心，我們會避開的，臨時碰面也都會事先通知一聲。」

　　「感謝各位大爺的相助，隨時有任何事情，不管是缺列印機或裝修，都記得通知小弟一聲。」

　　「您大可放心，等一下巡邏的時候我就帶那位菜鳥到老地方和你聚一聚。」

　　……

　　「咿呀。」門再度被打開。「半個小時後老地方見，記得帶菜鳥來讓我認識認識。」清柔的聲音再度響起。

　　「待會見，祝你們生意興隆！」低沉爽朗的聲音再度充滿整個空間。

　　瑟縮在廁所的一角，只聽見剛正的步伐漸漸消失在耳畔。

記一屋子的空氣

記一屋子的空氣

　　夏日午後，當禮拜已結束多時，我仍然靜靜地躺在長條木椅上。濕濕暖暖的氣息從身上滑過，我掀起一頁又一頁的裙襬想要追上風的腳步，好保留住那暖意，無奈對方早已溜得無影無蹤。正失望之際，我卻聞到一股芬芳之香若有似無，微微一嗅，竟發現有花香自身上不斷滿溢出來，而且越來越濃烈。原來保留不住風，倒是留下了教會前茉莉花的甜美香味。

　　我是一本聖經，一本經歷年代沖刷的真理之書，身著深藍色的書皮，燙上金色的頁邊，再印上「教會公用」四個大字。平常的我都待在陳舊的書架，與兄弟姊妹們肩並肩擠在狹小的空間裡。書架上充滿著樟木微微刺激薰鼻的味道，混在泛黃的書香中。往往我都會不自覺地在這氛圍下睡著，只有偶而當有人忘了把我放回書架時，我才能保持一絲清醒，回想著過往中的一切。就如同今天，我被一位可愛的小會友遺忘了，雖然免不了難過，但轉念一想，能有這樣獨自享受的靜謐空間實在少有，不如就放開心好好品嘗吧。

　　放眼望去，陽光自彩色玻璃窗灑了進來，在打過蠟的石子地板上鋪上一層又一層的金粉，我彷彿早已沉浸在這斑斕色澤所交織出的回憶大海中。

　　回想今天早上，禮拜還未開始前，小男孩在我身下拚命跳著，紅通通的臉頰流下幾滴汗水，似乎是因為搆不著聖經而努力著。他的媽媽急忙趕了上來、把我取出來彎腰遞給焦急等待的兒子。小男孩看到我特別開心，彷彿我是他的至寶般緊緊地抱在胸前。禮拜開始後，小男孩和他妹妹各坐在媽媽的兩側。小孩子坐久了不甚耐煩，便扭來扭去，一會兒和妹妹玩起九宮格，一會兒卻又吵起來。媽媽的裙子不斷被兩邊扯來扯去。連一旁觀火的我都感受到撕扯的空氣不斷磨著我脆弱的書肺，彷彿只要再輕輕敲一下就會碎成片片雲母。

　　正著急之際，小男孩忽然搶過母親手上的我。把我當作戰利品般，男孩興奮地將夾在書頁中的兩條書頭帶扯出來，一會兒兩條交疊，替我綁一條馬尾；一會兒卻又一絲一絲抽出纖維，讓我披頭散髮。總算玩出一頭漂亮的髮型，小男孩就迫不及待地拿給妹妹看。一旁皺在一起的小臉瞬間又展開天真的笑容。媽媽似乎早已預知了結果般，微微一笑、展開雙臂，將淘氣的小鬼們圍在自己的臂窩中。一觸即發的戰火就這麼消融在溫暖的大洋，我也能深刻的感受到周遭的空氣洋溢出溫馨的親情，是甜的，如同黃橙橙的新鮮蜂蜜般。

　　有時候禮拜進行到一半，當所有人都閤上眼睛，沉浸在祥和的氛圍中，厚重的青銅大門忽然露出一條細縫。一條光線就這麼筆直地闖進來，一抹人影也在這倏忽間閃過。鬼鬼祟祟地，他順手將我從書架上帶走後迅速鑽到最後一排，低頭閉上眼睛，彷彿害怕別人查覺到他似的。我可以聞到空氣中瀰散的汗味，告訴我身旁的少年應是飛奔過來的，不知道是否睡過了頭而趕不上禮拜開始。禱告完後，大家正抬起頭時，少年卻緊張地東張西望，似乎想在萬頭攢動中找出懸念的人般。忽地，他愣了一下，趕緊轉頭盯著講台。我可以察覺到遠在教堂的另一側似乎有幾道關切的目光射向這裡。灼熱的、焦急的眼神，把我頁邊的燙金燒得如爐裡的金子。「唉，又要被念了。」少年嘆了一口氣，隨即將我擱在一旁，放下聳立的雙肩，半垮在單薄的椅背上。

　　現在回想起這一段驚悚的回憶，似乎也不再那麼可怕了。坐在遠端的人恐怕是少年的父母，一心期待孩子能經歷試煉而越煉越純，無奈小孩卻一而再地禮拜遲到。就算到現在，我仍然難以忘卻那眼神，是燙的、是麻的，但卻同時充滿著關懷的暖意。

　　有一次一位年輕的父親把我拿了下來，我可以看見他那近乎無神的雙眼下塗上層層厚重的眼影。紫黑色的，好像酸辣湯裡沉浮的豬血糕。他安靜地走到中央的位置，正準備坐下去時卻又不自禁地打了一個大哈欠。也許是受到他的疲倦所感染，我也隨著他忽快忽慢的節奏點著頭。他的身邊彷彿有一座溫泉，緩緩地冒著蒸氣，這不斷上騰的水氣滋養我貧乏的心神，也讓我不知不覺中墜入夢鄉。

　　我很少被老年人拿在手上過。他們總是各自帶一本袖珍聖經，劃滿了各種標記。讀聖經時，他們會微顫顫地拿起皮包內的放大鏡，然後拖著厚重的鏡面很仔細地一字一字讀。我有一次很榮幸能被老年人拿在手中，她似乎是忘了帶自己的過來，翻了好幾次皮包這才小心翼翼地將我從書架中捧出。我看著她那佈滿厚繭的手指撫過扉頁，彷彿把我當作孫子般看待。從指縫間我望見她慈祥的面容，就算在苦瓜皮般的皺紋遮掩下依舊散發柔和氣息，籠罩著那一頭亮麗的白髮。互相映照下，就像一位尊貴的天使，擁有著平和的羽翼，灑下一道又一道的曙光。

　　偶而，特別是天寒的時期，尊貴的天使們就會一位接著一位飛回天上的家。這時教會也就接連舉行一場又一場的追思禮拜。此時的氣氛十分特別，是我每一次清醒時都想一再回味的。教堂內會擺滿純潔的百合，甜美的花香味瀰散在小小的會堂中。我可以聽見窗外吹來呼嘯的寒風，打在玻璃上，窗內的世界卻是極其平和寧靜。牧師會在故人照片前講述著這位老會友一生的故事：包括值得學習之處和須警惕的地方。每次我都會專注地側耳聆聽，回味我肚裡的真理與他的生命作連結。然後，我彷彿就同他走過一遭人生，品嘗他自幼年到老年所經歷的一切成長。有康莊大道，也多的是死蔭幽谷，全部都雜揉在這小小的空間中。平靜的空氣裡彷彿有著一首酸甜苦辣的交響曲在海洋深層處翻騰。一件天使的七色彩衣就這麼披上我激動的心扉……。

笛卡爾-沉思錄 第一章

笛卡爾-沉思錄 第一章(改編 翻譯)

　　笛卡爾體認到許多他從前認為真實的事物似乎有許多可疑之處。因此他便在年紀夠大後著手一項大工程──將之前所確知的一切毀壞後再重新立根基。然而堅固如高塔般的知識要如何一件一件驗證呢？笛卡爾決定從所有知識的源頭開始，一但基礎壞了高塔便隨之傾圮。

　　學習知識的源頭便是感官，但感官並不可靠，有時也會欺騙我們。不過除了少數例外，感官似乎不會欺騙我們。除非我是個瘋子，以為自己是國王，事實上卻是乞丐。但仔細想想，夢中的我似乎也像個瘋子，以為自己端坐在此，實際上卻是在床頭。更令人震驚的是，作夢與醒著的情節似乎沒有明確的標準能夠區分彼此。

　　就假設我正在作夢吧。不過夢中的一切似乎也需要有一個真實世界做對照。如同畫家想畫想像中的半人半馬獸，也是需要真實世界中的人和馬做對照。就算所有事物都是憑空想像的，至少顏色都是取自真實的世界。就如同形狀、數量、空間等概念在真假事物中都是存在的。

　　從而算數與幾何便是無庸置疑的。然而，若這世界上有個全能的主上帝欺騙我所有的一切，但事實上形狀、空間都是不存在的。任何簡單的知識難道不會都是假的嗎？也許你會說至善的神不會欺騙人，但若真如此，為何祂有時會允許我受到欺騙？

　　因此，我必須說：我之前所習得的一切知識都沒能禁得起正當的懷疑。若要尋出真理，則必須要更加的謹慎。不過習慣性的思維卻時常回到我的腦中讓我相信可疑的知識，只因它似乎較為可信。如同一個極詭詐又有能力的邪靈盡一切所能欺騙我，若我能假設之前所學皆為錯誤，就算我無法得知真理也至少能抵擋強加於我的錯誤。然而，最終倦怠的我勢必會放棄如此耗力的計劃而回到原來的世界。如同監獄中做美好夢境的我，突然懷疑自己是否在作夢。雖然如此，我仍會希望自己繼續沉睡，只因害怕醒來後是一片混沌的暗夜。

國軍歷史文物館──黑貓中隊特展

(2011/2/18)

國軍歷史文物館──黑貓中隊特展

　　趁著剛開學課業還為繁忙前，我到了貴陽街上的國軍歷史文物館，來參觀民國以降的軍隊歷史。同時，我也正好趕上了展期即將結束的黑貓中隊特展。循著館內建議的參觀路線，我從軍閥割據、對日抗戰走到中國赤化和多次的台海戰役，對於整體的歷史有了完整的了解。接著，我到了三樓的展區，瀏覽許多兵器及模型。最後，我才回到一樓的特展區，走進陰暗的時光隧道，回到五六零年代的冷戰時期。

　　黑貓中隊又稱為第三十五中隊，是美國當時在還未有間諜衛星時，急於想知道中國核武的發展情形下成立。由中華民國派飛行員到美國受訓，駕駛飛行於七萬公尺高空的U-2偵察機，負責拍攝珍貴的大陸基地畫面。由於是最高機密，參與的飛行員無法讓家人得知工作內容，連訓練時也不能留下講義及筆記。U-2偵察機的別稱為Dragon Lady，是美國漫畫中一個難以駕馭的角色。同樣的，U-2在海拔七萬公尺飛行時，除了會讓人疼痛的高壓衣外、再加上超速與失速之間的差距只有十浬（油門只能夠用轉的而不行踩），還有飛機降落時僅剩兩個中間的輪子……等等，都大大增加了操作的困難度。更何況是在敵方的領空，隨時有被擊落的危險。前前後後共二十八人完訓，其中就有十人失事，折損率其實相當高。

　　看著展區中當年飛行員的口述影片，我彷彿回到了過去動員戡亂的年代。影片中一位飛行員的太太這麼說：當時我耳聞加入第三十五中隊的危險，因此跟我先生說我只想做個平凡軍人的太太，希望他不要參加。沒想到我丈夫指著我說男兒志在四方，還說我當初嫁給他就要準備做寡婦了。結果他到美國後，幾個月我的頭髮就全白了。你看，我這頭髮已經染了幾十年了。

　　還有飛行員這麼回憶道：我們當時那麼年輕，怎麼會去管什麼折損率。只因為能參加三十五中隊是一極大的榮耀，就去了。也有人說想像自己能在祖國的空中自在優游，是一件多麼美好的事。

　　回想現在的年輕人，似乎已經不見當年那般寧可放棄掉自己的性命，也要追求夢想的抱負。反倒是不管他人，只要自己得到好處的居多。利己性也許人人多多少少都有一些，但如果只有利己，生命便是死的，不會有什麼永恆的價值。聖經中有一位財主為自己積攢糧食，而不留下掉在田中的麥穗讓窮人撿拾。他歡歡喜喜地對自己的靈魂說：從今以後你就可以盡情享樂了。上帝卻在這時說：愚笨的人啊，我今晚就要取走你的性命，你留這些是給誰用呢？

　　有一位飛行員便是這麼說道：反正飛行員本來就很危險，死在其他飛機上還不如死在U-2上。也許生活在這較為和平的世代，我們感受不到在戰爭下生命無常的感嘆。但生命的短暫卻是不爭的事實，如何能在這倏忽的光陰中活出最豐富、最有意義的自我，是我們每個人都該竭力追求的。

陳永信2011/2/19  

命中注定祢愛我

(2011/1/21 長榮大學，學員團契營會)

　　一個人的價值在哪裡？是鏡中之我－－在於別人對自己的看法嗎？如果是這樣，那我必須說：人生實在是太痛苦了！你永遠無法討好所有的人。你要如何一直不斷滿足所有周遭的人呢？如果別人的看法傷害了你，豈不是要活在痛苦中了？我們真的能夠擁有自我嗎？事實上，我們當然想要擁有自我了，然而，我們卻時常走錯方向。我們想要那脫離綑綁的「自由」，但是當我們得到脫離的「自由」後，我們卻把他人的看法當作自己的價值，最後反倒失去了自由。

　　當孩子還小的時候，他會先學習滾，進而站、走，很快的，小孩子就不斷的到處跑了。如果你是愛他的父母，你一定會替他定一個安全的範圍，你當然不願見到他受傷。當前方有一條極深的水溝（他看不見危險，而你的視線卻可及），你一定會抓住他纖細的手，就算他奮力掙脫，你依然會死命的抓住，因為你深愛他，不忍見到他摔死。

　　事實上，在人生當中，我們都像剛會跑的小孩，如果真的有一位眞愛我們的父親能拉住我們以免我們跌入世間的泥淖當中，那該有多好啊！其實真的有這麼一位天上的父親，祂深愛著我們，不管我們的外表、課業、身體、事業……是否符合世間的價值觀，祂都深愛著每一位由祂而造的人類。我們永遠都是祂的兒子、女兒，只要我們願意相信祂，讓祂的大手能牽住我們的小手，祂就會不斷的帶領我們，走出最適合我們的路。我們不需要像過去一樣在世間的迷宮到處撞來撞去，就算我們成為散盡家財的浪子，祂依然一直等候我們回頭，給我們最溫暖的擁抱。不管我們是多麼的糟，我們永遠都是祂的兒女，而祂也十分樂意白白給我們豐盛的生命，因為祂對我們的愛永遠不會改變。

　　　　　一月二十一號 靜如姐分享（節錄，有一點改變）

躲雨時節

(2011/6/8 台南東和路家 後院)

　　對我而言，日常生活中感受上帝最深的時候便是最近這個時節──梅雨末端。一朵朵烏雲在天空飄來飄去，響起的雷聲遠處即能耳聞。雲邊較鬆散之處，下起的雨如牛毛。越往中心，雨滴便迅速成長，終至滂沱大雨。守在一處，當烏雲從遠方逐漸靠近時，不時可聽到一次比一次強烈的雷鳴。細雨便隨之而來。短短的幾秒內，烏雲密實部變籠罩頭頂，如珍珠般大小的雨滴馬上就成長為一顆顆被砸到會疼的彈珠，此時雨勢實不輸給西北雨。強雨過後，雨聲便不如之前緊湊。當烏雲離開後，陽光再現，雨也停了，只剩下屋簷排水孔滴滴答答的水聲，在一片寧靜中顯得格外分明。然而有時兩片烏雲緊連，才以為雨要停了，下一秒又滂沱再起。

　　今天下午兩點多接到學校打來的電話，我隨即著衣、騎腳踏車去辦事。啟程時陽光普照，不久便吹起涼風。我抬頭一瞧，不妙，有一大片烏雲守在前方（，罩住穹廬）。如針般的細雨打在我的大腿上，頭頂的安全帽也不斷發出非洲部落的擊鼓音，低沉而響亮，好像是自己即將被未知食人部落捕獲的預兆。雨打在臉上，從額頭皺起的溝紋中滑下。如毛的雨逐漸轉為綠豆般大小的雨滴。沒準備雨具的我焦急地快要哭出來。我的雙頰也激動地發紅，不知是雨點打疼的還是內心焦慮燒紅的。

　　雨勢不斷變大變強，我心中萌生了回頭的想法。我趕緊向上帝禱告（當然不用閉眼睛）：主啊！怎麼辦？我被困在雨中了，求祢救我。內心有聲音叫我左轉走學校後門，不要往前門騎去。然而我有些許疑慮，因為平時後門是有管制的，不會隨時敞開。但那聲音仍叫我如此行，我便向左轉。一轉彎，雨勢即明顯銳減，烏雲並未延伸至後門。後門亦未完全關上，可滑動的鐵門僅留一小縫，剛好容一人通過。我走進校園，抬頭向前門方向望去，那裡竟然也有一片烏雲籠罩著。

　　回程的路上，藍天白雲，我騎在林森路的阿勃勒大道上，地上鋪滿被雨打落下來的鳳凰花和阿勃勒的鵝黃花瓣，就如同黃美廉畫家筆下熱情又鮮豔的畫作。依靠著上帝，忍過每況愈下的雲雨後變是（成就）美好的祝福。

　　騎到家門口， 三兩 雨滴開始打在我的肩頭。我從容地走進家門。在準備換洗衣物時，外面又開始下起雨了。轟隆隆的雷聲和雨聲蓋住了沖澡的水聲，我聽著窗外大瀑布般震撼人心的聲響，回想著今天這一段濃縮版的人生旅程。

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　陳永信2010/6/14